Personal Stuff

So, I’ve noticed I don’t usually write anything too personal on my myspace blog, which is understandable because I’m usually quite a private person online. Just figured I’d talk about some stuff tonight.

Had my son this past weekend, as his mom picked him up today. He’s three. He’s amazingly coherent and breathtakingly graceful for three years old. I hope he inherits my coordination — as it’s looking that way. His mom is sorta clutzy, in that cute ‘do that again’ way. But he’s definately a trooper at the playground. The thing about my son is the quickness he displays in understanding or using that understanding to ‘do it himself’ in a variety of situations. Myself? Takes me a bit to get something down, but Dec is hitting things after one demo. Hope that continues to carry over to when he starts school and gets lessons explained to him.  Would make reiteration at home for his mom and I both — a piece of cake. When he has to keep trying because he can’t do something, he tends to get a bit frustrated, which I don’t know if that is good or bad, but I always try to remind him that’s it’s okay that he can’t do something. That it takes practice and he shouldn’t get mad at himself.

He’s an absolute amazing kid and my favorite person ever. I’m so proud to be his daddy.

Some folks have asked me if it’s hard being a single dad. And, I guess the only thing I can say in response to that is that — it is what it is. Nobody plans on being a single dad, and if they did I would probably shoot them in the schnutz. However, it’s not ideal, a lot of people have it way worse then being a single dad. Yet, in saying that, I realize that a lot of people have it way better.

Examples. Well, let’s see. The best example I can think of is a hypothetical of what worse could have consisted of on a personal note. A lot of people don’t know that I was married and divorced by the time I was twenty-five. A college sweetheart, if you will. If I would have had children with her it would have been a lot worse in present circumstances because she would either have been in Charlotte, NC (where we lived) or presently in Denver, CO where she lives now. (happily married with a child of her own — God bless her.) However, if we would have had any children, the situation, geographically, would have been way more difficult that the sixty miles I have to drive to pick up Declan. Which is an inch to me.

On the flip side, a two residence household is not the ideal household for children to grow up in. Although, I do try to tell Declan that he’s cooler than other kids because he has two houses and they only have one. Two bedrooms, he’s got three dogs (two here and one there). I know it’s going to a bit weird for him as he gets a little older. He was only one when his mom and I split, so he’s never really known us together as a whole unit. He’s gonna start asking why mommy and daddy don’t live together, or even in the same city for that matter, and why they don’t both take him out to dinner or to the movies and everything else. So, I guess, the old-fashioned family model would be a more ideal setting, a better setting for him. And for that, I’ll feel partially responible for not giving him as a child. Although, it wasn’t my choice, it was partially my doing. It does take two to tango.

All of this raises a perfectly honest question to myself that I’ve been posing lately: Why aren’t the relationships in my life working out? Not just relationships, but the important ones.

Looking back on the past seven years of my life, as I’ve really only had two serious relationships in that time — a marriage, and someone whom I thought I would marry — it’s a simple equation now.

I was married out of college before I was doing what I wanted to do. Wasn’t miserable in the marriage, but for the fact I wasn’t where I wanted to be — thus making me unhappy, which, in turn, made my new wife unhappy, thus making us miserable. Needless to say, she filed for divorce. Pretty much, the timing of the marriage was all wrong. At the time we split, neither one of us looked at it that way, but now we do. We’ve discussed it. We also realize now that there is more than one person out there that has what you need from someone, as she is wonderfully, happily married with a new baby and I was also able to find someone I thought I would spend the rest of my life with — again.

At the time Dec’s mom and I split, it kind of mirrored my place with my marriage. Not happy doing what I was doing — it made me miserable — and so forth. And the fact is, when we first started dating I was still at the uneducated position of hating, I mean HATING, my ex-wife. Therefore, all relationships at that time were compared to the most horrible one ever — the one I just came out of. Obviously, the new relationship never stood a chance from the get go. Instead of figuring out what I needed to do to love her, I subconsciously figured out what I needed to do to push her away as much as possible. For years. Even after Dec was born, I didn’t know how to love her. Ultimately, that story ends with her decision to leave.

However, the main story itself, will never end. That’s the upside of everything. Dec will have kids, well, unless he’s gay, and the Croyle name will be carried on. And on the most rudimentary view of our species, I’ll have served my purpose in this life. Wow, that’s depressing — I digress.

I guess what’s important in my little rant, that I’ve thrown together here, is the fact that I love my son unconditionally — no matter what he does or will do in the future. And that’s a very fine thing considering what people tolerate in relationships. Also, when you are in a relationship with someone — if they are unhappy with themselves — do everything you can to make that person happy just for being themself — for their own benefit. A healthy self is a healthy relationship. It will benefit your relationship with them so much more than trying to assimilate yourself into their persona. However, because of my son being in my life, and knowing the unconditional love we show each other on a daily basis, it gives me hope that there is still someone out there that will fit my hand like a glove (if you’ll pardon the term.) Someone that wants to believe in love as much as I want to – again. It took losing the two most important women, sans mom, ever in my life to remember what love is truly about — and I can see it in the eyes of my child. Circumstances suck. Nobody goes into a relationship wanting it to fail, and you can never hold that against anyone. Yet, the benefits of even doomed relationships are, especially on my part, rewarding.